I tried out the ShamWow! but I didn’t do anything dramatic enough to know if it works or not. I should have spilled wine on the carpet or something. I don’t really have enough information to give this thing a star rating or to have an opinion on it either way.

What I do have, though, is a serious question. <em>If it’s so great and it lasts forever, why are there eight in a box?</em>, I asked myself as I watched the commercial. The answer to this is really screwing with my mind. See, you can wash the ShamWow! in the washing machine, but you can’t put it in the dryer. Since it holds in the liquid like nobody’s business, you just have to wait for who knows how long for it to dry out. Perhaps you could use another ShamWow! to dry off the first. And the third to dry off the second… It’s like an endless cycle.

This is why that dude in the commercial seems so nuts and so intent on making sure everyone in the world owns some of these things. He probably started out as a normal guy who was just trying to keep his bachelor pad clean. After a particularly messy Super Bowl party, a mysterious German came by and gave him some of this WowTastic! material.

If you go to microphone dude’s house now, you will see the old bachelor pad transformed into a labyrinth of ShamWow!s, much like those OCD/packrats have newspapers stacked to the ceiling- forming new walls. 87,000 Shamwow’s and on the far wall in the kitchen is a chart stating which one is wet today.

Anywho, I bought these for my mom because she wanted to see if they’d dry her hair. I guess the results of that experience will be recorded in another entry.

I’m happy that my brain still tries to work while I am asleep.

SETTING: some sort of festival in a park.

I see a woman with a horrible perm and feel I need to make a confession.

ME: Hi, I don’t think you know me. But I am having an affair with [whatever the guy’s name was].

BAD PERM LADY: Oh, yes. I know exactly who you are. I walked in and caught you together a few days ago, but I didn’t want to disturb you so I left quietly.

ME: Wow! I’m sorry you had to see that. I just wanted to let you know that I’m trying to clean up my act and get my life together. I want to become a good, moral person. So I am going to end it.

BAD PERM LADY: Why don’t we go and talk to him?

ME: Yes, it will be a relief to get all of this out in the open so we can all move on with our lives.

(walking toward a complex of condos)

ME: I just hope this doesn’t ruin your relationship, you are both such good people.

BAD PERM LADY: I’m sure everything is going to work out. Here’s his condo- #66, right?

(she unlocks the door and we walk in. The guy walks out from the kitchen.)

GUY: Brandi! What are you doing bringing my deranged stalker into my house?!

Smooth Away

I guess I’ve been sidetracked in this weblog. It’s supposed to be about things that make me happy. But I do enjoy being a guinea pig, so I’ll review the miraculous, European, hair removal invention called the “Smooth Away.”

I had read reviews for this, not very many positive things were said. Words like SANDPAPER and BLISTERING RUGBURN SENSATION were thrown around. But my mom bought this for me, since I bought her the ShamWow!, and so I decided to give it a shot.

First of all, it’s not sandpaper. It’s more like rubber. It’s got a crazy strong new tire smell.

I don’t know what the people were talking about with the whole “ripping off layers of skin” thing. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get the thing to leave my legs red. It did exfoliate just enough to make my skin smooth, but it did nothing to the hair. After several tries, I realized that it does work  on hair that is 1/8th of a millimeter long. If you have some compulsive fear of having hair and feel the need to catch those guys as soon as they start poking out of your skin, this is the product for you. If you go more than three or four hours between your normal hair removal routine, this is sure to disappoint.

ShamWow! update- Mom did dry her bangs with the thing, and it worked that time. The rest of the ShamWow!s have stayed in the box. I think she’s afraid of messing them up or something. hmm

53 Day Accident Free Ice Cream Social

People Greeter Alex, who I’ve known since he was Alex #1 in Produce, sat down next to me with his bowl of chocolate ice cream and promptly asked, “So, Brandi… when are you going to get engaged?”

And I laughed and answered, “when I find someone I like enough to get engaged to.”

He liked my answer, “That’s the way to look at it!”

“It’s funny, Anthony’s always asking me when I am going to get married,” I told him, “and he doesn’t seem to think, ‘when I meet someone I like that much’ is an appropriate response.”

Alex shook his head, “You know where you need to go… the community college. That’s where the guys who are thinking about their future are.”

I just giggled, and nodded, and then excused myself- my lunch hour was just about over. I didn’t have the heart to remind him that I am in my late thirties.

light dinner conversation with my 4 year old niece.

We’ve had the picture on the side of the fridge for years. It was printed out from the animal shelter’s website, and it shows the puppy that we would eventually adopt standing in a bowl of water on the cement floor of the enclosure that she was in with her brothers and sisters. A little Lab/Shepard mix that the volunteers had named “Norma.”

Gracie had been looking at that picture just before she came out to sit with me while her mom made dinner.

“Did Marilyn die?,” she asked.

“Yes, she did. It was very sad.” I answered.

“I loved her. I have a picture with her on Christmas.”

“She loved you, too. You were her baby.”

And then she looked over at the 100 pound lab puppy chewing on a rawhide bone in the middle of the living room floor, “Dan was her boyfriend!”

I attempted to explain how Dan wasn’t born while Marilyn was alive, but these sorts of time lines are still a little hard for a four-year-old to grasp.

“Maybe…” I could see the wheels turning in her little head, “Maybe we could hold Marylin up and Dan could kiss her!”

“I’m sorry,” I said, “but it doesn’t work like Snow White.”

And we hugged.

Then she asked how Marilyn had died. I explained that she was very sick.

And then came a question that I wasn’t prepared for, one I’d never even thought about. “Did she know she was going to die? Right before, did she know?”

“I’m not sure. I suppose so.”

And it got more uncomfortable when she asked, “Are you going to die? Like, after you grow up?”

“Yes, I will. But it’s really not something I’d like to think about.”

“Okay,” she replied. “Let’s talk about something else.” phew! “Let’s talk about DISNEYLAND!!!”

I rarely look over at the “trending topics” bar on twitter. I’m usually alerted to things like this when someone I am following joins in. Unlike usual hashtaggy dealies, last night’s barrage of #inaperfectworld’s was fascinating to me for a few minutes. It was interesting to see where the priorities of “the twitterverse” (or whatever) lie. Here are a few of my highlights-

@pallavi101 #inaperfectworld all celebrities would reply to you on twitter :/

@TrapNYC #inaperfectworld you could cheat on you’re grl without any consequences

@MeganRenee210 #inaperfectworld i’d gain like 20 more followers in the next 2 hours and them not leave me lol

@blackbarbie214 #inaperfectworld people wouldnt be so hooked on they image

@cynicalsaint #inaperfectworld beach boys would be all alive and touring.

@annaxxxvelez #inaperfectworld I would be married to Orlando Bloom

@DONDEEZY0105 #inaperfectworld I wud be able to smell, bite, and suck all the pretty toes I want lol

@Edwin773 #inaperfectworld dere wont be wack ass artists!

@GeneralSalt #inaperfectworld I have a GL power ring, Captain Marvel’s powers and BATGOD ability to beat everything with enough preptime

@brightondoll #inaperfectworld I would be 5’9

@SexMurderMayhem #inaperfectworld I wouldn’t curse as much as I do, I would attend church, my weave would stay how I wanted it to, and I would attend Harvard

@popcorn44 #inaperfectworld me and @ddlovato would be bffs

So today I got up and decided to update my webpage. That was my main goal of the day… Now it’s 7:10 and I haven’t even started to update the stinkin’ page. This morning I was hungry, really hungry. There wasn’t a whole lot of food in the house. I responded to a few emails. I complained in them that I was hungry. I bet that went over well.
I was hanging out with my sister Jamie. We watched some cartoons. A really funny Rocko’s Modern Life that I hadn’t seen before. Heffer came to live with Rocko. He had a nudist barbecue in Rocko’s backyard.
Then I helped my mom bring in the groceries. She bought a ton of candy. I chowed down and had a real sugar high happening.
I watched part of the Mets/ Cubs game. I usually wouldn’t have left during the middle of it. I mean, it was Mike Piazza’s first day back from the DL (I think he ended up 1-5). But our cat Rubin started to have her babies. She had four. Tyrone, Vince, Malcolm, and Quincy. And she had them on the day I had predicted even! Thank goodness for the book I have with the gestation chart for various animals:)
Then I came in and had a piece of pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Crystal was over here too… I forgot to say that. She got pizza sauce on her shirt. Let’s see… what else happened?… Jamie got to pet the baby kittens already.
I went to the Ben Folds Five website and played pong. What a great site. Then we played a trivia game at uproar.com. Jamie and I kicked some booty.
Now I am typing this. Jamie is giving me the Erin J. Dean hairdo. I should tell you all about the greatness of Erin J. Dean at some point. Jamie and I should make a little page for her… Now I am going to work on more pages to put up on my site tonight.
My mom is hollering about something in the Dodgers/ Cardinals game. She hollers, “Eric’s got a homerun! A HA HA” Usually you’d think she meant Eric Karros. But no, she meant Eric Davis… hmm.

I woke up, said hello to everyone, brushed my teeth and then had a Mocha Frappucinno and Tylenol for breakfast. I explained the happy99 virus to my sister Crystal.

I looked for a box. I took a shower. I hung out with my little sister, Jamie and my niece, Kayla. We colored, we played a little miniature golf in my room, we pretended we were in Africa and made a list of all of the animals that are there. I told Kayla that I didn’t know if raccoons lived in Africa but I would look it up for her. Later, when we were making a list of the animals that we should save from becoming extinct, Jamie suggested the African Raccoon.

We put bandanas on our heads and danced to Faith No More. (I gave them a choice, honest!)

I went to the post office to send out a box. I had to fill out a customs form. The lady said it was so if I tried to blow up the plane they could track me down. I wrote my address in my shaky handwriting. My mom pointed out a squished tarantula on the sidewalk. It was a little smaller than Trevor.

I got the virus off of our computer. I went outside for a while. I went to my room and I might have dozed off for a minute or two. I came out and my sister Joanna was here to pick up Kayla.

I read my email. I asked if anyone had a 5-dollar bill because I was going to send a guy 8 bucks and I didn’t want to send him all ones.

We had burritos for dinner. We watched Wheel of Fortune and (my favorite show) Jeopardy! I didn’t do very well. I usually do okay.

While Jamie watched “The Land Before Time 5” I decided to write another installment of “How Bored Are You?” Later I will type it up and put it on my page. Then I will try to sleep. The key word there is “try”.

Today I really didn’t feel like waking up. I got up at 8:00 and listened to the radio for a while. I heard the Temptations. Most of the stations were playing their mandatory public service shows for the week.

I went back to sleep for a while. When I woke up again, I sort of starred at the ceiling for a while. I knew I had a really big day ahead of me though, I had to get up.

I said hello to my family. They had already started doing all of the important things they needed to do. Dad went out to the garage to do some work, Mom was shredding papers. Crystal and Jamie were watching TV. Crystal couldn’t stop singing Milli Vanilli. It was really bothering me. I had breakfast- one of those little boxes of Frosted Flakes and a Vanilla Frappuccino. Crystal and I explained Milli Vanilli to Jamie.

My mom continued to shred papers.

Dad, Crystal, and Jamie went to (my up until now never mentioned sister) Joanna’s house to pick up a couch.

I read some email. I sent out some email.

I watched the first televised Spring Training game between the Mets and the Dodgers. It ended in a tie. Highlight- Edgardo Alfonzo hitting a homerun off of Kevin Brown in the first.

I had some more cereal. I was hungry. This time it was a little box of Froot Loops. Yummy.

I went back on the internet and downloaded some program that I thought might be useful in the future. I went out and saw my dad. We came in and I started working on some CD labels. It took me a while, and they really didn’t turn out beautifully. Oh, well. I had raviolis for dinner. The cheese kind. I printed out the labels and put them on the CDs.

I read even more mail, this time I held myself back from replying to any of it:) Sometimes you just need to do that when you are on lists.

Today I woke up, brushed my teeth and read some email. Then I watched “101 Dalmatians” the cartoon, not the movie. It was one I’d already seen- where Cruella disguises herself as Anita in order to get an award. Then I took a shower. I went back to my room and watched “Science Court” (my sister told me they changed the name though). It was about statistics. I like that show, it’s educational. Another educational cartoon that I really like is “Histeria”. Then I got dressed (I was in my robe before, ok?). Green stretchy pants and a sort of green sort of fleecy shirt. It’s very comfortable.

Then, my dad asked me if I wanted to go to Radio Shack with him. I ate a rice cake and listened to my mom sing “Whole Lotta Love”. We left for Radio Shack, stopping first at the Swift Mart to buy some Cokes. My dad bought some cords and stuff and some really good headphones. Then we went home. I updated some pages on my website.

Then I helped my mom bring in the groceries. I had some kind of vegetable crackers. Then I read some mail; a company was trying to sell me 22kt gold football cards. Then I ate a donut; it wasn’t very good. I baked some chocolate chip cookies. I just made the bar kind were you just spread all of the dough on the pan at once because I didn’t feel like hanging out in the kitchen. I watched some videos on MTVX. Highlight: “Falling to Pieces”. Lowlights: I can’t decide if it was “Another Brick in the Wall (part 2)” being on 4 times in an hour or that Hole video.

So we ate cookies and I watched part of a movie with my little sister. I took some non-aspirin pain reliever and went to my room to listen to some CDs. I looked at some pictures that I have in an Otter Pops box. Then for some very odd reason, I decided to write down everything that I did today.